Crushed by myself?

It’s kind of ironic, how after so many things had happened to me, which I more or less managed to get through that it’s something inside myself that crushed me the most.
Maybe because I never quite managed to deal with all those pains cause by my past…maybe because I was getting more and more skilled at avoiding rather than dealing with issues….that it happened at some point, that I feel unable to do most of the things one would expect a healthy adult being able to do….like showering…eating regularly…doing laundry, keeping your house and home clean etc.
There were many times, when I started to panic, if a path I was going, didn’t look like it was going towards my dreams…I thought, as long as I can go THE path that I imagined to be the path to my dreams, nothing can stop me and I would be able to get better and happier in life, the closer I get to my dreams…
but I didn’t quite realize what I was setting myself up to….an expectation…that I will do something, I don’t even know everything about….an expectation that all my problems won’t or barely would matter anymore if I would just get there.
I was wrong…and painfully so….
What ended up happening, is that I started feeling desperate…despair…panic, when I noticed how I couldn’t “just” work….when it felt like my dreams were so close…I could touch them with my hands….when I felt hopeful that everything would be okay now, because no one could stand in my way of getting there anymore….
I couldn’t.
I couldn’t do as I thought I should be able to….I felt like I failed….heck I somewhat still do feel like I failed. I thought that maybe, all this time, when people told me in the past that I’m just lazy and that I won’t get anywhere…all the voices of people doubting me…what if they would have been right all along?
…I felt….what is my life even worth if THE very thing that kept me going forward…the very thing that I thought is my passion…my desire….my ultimate goal…if I couldn’t do it when I  have the chance to? because of some mental blockage…..

I have been in therapy for about a year now….on anti depressant medication aswell….I have been going once per week since a few months…and I’m having suicidal thoughts…I feel like I’m wielding these suicidal thoughts like a sword, something I can use if I really can’t cope anymore…just that I don’t really know, what “too much” is…I find it scary…and at the same time soothing…it gives me a little hope, that I have not gone past fantasizing about it…
….but it scares me nontheless….because, before I started my own company and to develop my game “professionally” I was convinced that I would never ever feel suicidal again….I was convinced that I already went through the worst…I was convinced that I’m surrounded by good things in my life, despite the stress motherhood came with…
good enough that I took the plunge on doing something scary…starting my own company…

I honestly don’t know where this is going…or if writing here is gonna help me at all…I just felt like, since I was using this blog to show myself how I can be consistent and persistent and it was giving me confidence in myself that I can do some things…that maybe….writing here would help me feel a little less bad.

maybe I could write a little bit ^^

It has been quite some time since I wrote here last time and no, it’s not because I don’t like my blog anymore 😛
I still think that this blog is very important to me, but I was getting insecure about telling about things that aren’t so much game related anymore, since I originally had made this blog with the intention of using it to show my progress in it.
Well….but life doesn’t always go smoothly and I have been on sick leave for many months now….and in therapy and on medication and trying to work through the problems I’m having.
It honestly feels a little bit surreal, to be told that I can “practically” do whatever I want, even encouraged to do so, because for so many years I was always bashing myself to not be good enough and not living up to mine or “imagined others” standards.
Also…last time I thought I took a break for a year to “find myself and get better” it was without therapy and I felt guilty about it being a hole in my resume….
but…that doesn’t matter anymore…all I care about now, is that I can find a way to get better and get back to what I love doing…which is making games, creating worlds, being creative and sharing it with others ^^

I’m….a little bit more hopeful again, that things might go better…slowly…carefully…allowing myself to believe that my past, especially the bad stuff that has happened, doesn’t need to continue defining my life and that I can change it.

I want to live.

Coming to terms with the state I’m in

I can’t deny it any longer that I need help. As far as I know I have been suffering from anxiety, depression and possibly OCD my whole life. I don’t have any diagnosis (yet), but I’m wanting to change that to get proper treatment.
I reached a certain…black hole in my life, beginning of this year…getting burn out from doing the best I could and at the same time bashing myself for not doing good enough ever. Like a constant reminder of what a failure I would be on repeat.
I know it’s not true…or I should know it isn’t, but it’s hard to see through that wall, that I have been living with for most of my life.
I finally got the courage to ask for real help, to ask for what I need and to put my health first, so that I have a chance to get better at any point. I’m currently trying anti-depressants (which seems to have helped a little bit, making it possible for me to at least do some laundry or dishes without feeling completely exhausted) and I’m gonna see a therapist end of this week…..
I want to get better….I’m sick of being sick.
So…health first, my game(s) have to wait.
one little bit of hope though, through all that darkness, it seems that games are a passion for me…I’m glad that’s clear for me now.