Crushed by myself?

It’s kind of ironic, how after so many things had happened to me, which I more or less managed to get through that it’s something inside myself that crushed me the most.
Maybe because I never quite managed to deal with all those pains cause by my past…maybe because I was getting more and more skilled at avoiding rather than dealing with issues….that it happened at some point, that I feel unable to do most of the things one would expect a healthy adult being able to do….like showering…eating regularly…doing laundry, keeping your house and home clean etc.
There were many times, when I started to panic, if a path I was going, didn’t look like it was going towards my dreams…I thought, as long as I can go THE path that I imagined to be the path to my dreams, nothing can stop me and I would be able to get better and happier in life, the closer I get to my dreams…
but I didn’t quite realize what I was setting myself up to….an expectation…that I will do something, I don’t even know everything about….an expectation that all my problems won’t or barely would matter anymore if I would just get there.
I was wrong…and painfully so….
What ended up happening, is that I started feeling desperate…despair…panic, when I noticed how I couldn’t “just” work….when it felt like my dreams were so close…I could touch them with my hands….when I felt hopeful that everything would be okay now, because no one could stand in my way of getting there anymore….
I couldn’t.
I couldn’t do as I thought I should be able to….I felt like I failed….heck I somewhat still do feel like I failed. I thought that maybe, all this time, when people told me in the past that I’m just lazy and that I won’t get anywhere…all the voices of people doubting me…what if they would have been right all along?
…I felt….what is my life even worth if THE very thing that kept me going forward…the very thing that I thought is my passion…my desire….my ultimate goal…if I couldn’t do it when I  have the chance to? because of some mental blockage…..

I have been in therapy for about a year now….on anti depressant medication aswell….I have been going once per week since a few months…and I’m having suicidal thoughts…I feel like I’m wielding these suicidal thoughts like a sword, something I can use if I really can’t cope anymore…just that I don’t really know, what “too much” is…I find it scary…and at the same time soothing…it gives me a little hope, that I have not gone past fantasizing about it…
….but it scares me nontheless….because, before I started my own company and to develop my game “professionally” I was convinced that I would never ever feel suicidal again….I was convinced that I already went through the worst…I was convinced that I’m surrounded by good things in my life, despite the stress motherhood came with…
good enough that I took the plunge on doing something scary…starting my own company…

I honestly don’t know where this is going…or if writing here is gonna help me at all…I just felt like, since I was using this blog to show myself how I can be consistent and persistent and it was giving me confidence in myself that I can do some things…that maybe….writing here would help me feel a little less bad.


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