some eventful days

For about 2 weeks now, I was more or less just getting restless, because everything seemed to have stalled for a bit…I was waiting for feedback on my business plan and if I could continue to the next step (applying for a grant with it). I was not really knowing what to do and just spent alot of time trying to either forget about waiting by playing games or trying to make plans, marketing stuff, trying to figure out where I want to do marketing, what I would need for it, what my logo could be etc. Also thinking alot about what features I could add to critters, how to implement them, how fitting they are, how difficult etc. and what’s within my scope or outside of the scope of doing it in 3-4 months….last part is not really done yet…
because I noticed my trello board is currently a mess XD since I just tried writing down everything that came to mind, but not really organizing it well…sooo I started reorganizing it, throwing out the ludum dare stuff from it and making some new Lists to keep track of what is only a conceptual idea and what is already set in stone of what I need to do.
it’s still somewhat messy, but I managed to work through a bulk of it….and last night I even fixed the game functionality to close the game without pressing Alt+F4 XD (apparently what had happened was, that the condition for starting the game with any key press was interfering with pausing the game to end it lol)

Also I was on another igda meeting yesterday…and it baffled and confused me and…made me just again realize how much problems I have with starting conversations with people I don’t know, even if I know that theoretically I should have topics to talk about that are likely shared by everyone there (meeting for game developers, likely can talk about games XD)
But then again…I’m feeling like having a clump in my throat, even thinking about wanting to say something and always feel like I will probably say something incredible stupid or non engaging or anything like that >.< It doesn’t help either, that I barely understand a word in finnish and if others decide to have conversations in finnish I can’t go and look for any topic I might be able to jump into….
On the other hand, when I’m getting engaged in a conversation, I usually have no problems talking 😮 and the nervousness is also going away very fast then….then I might just sometimes think I’m getting too loud and excited when talking about my own projects…sometimes even when talking about myself…or too focused on myself…probably because it’s a topic I know most how to talk about? I guess….
Next thing that happened which left me confused and trying to process it the rest of the evening was feedback I got….I showed my “critters” game to others and they seemed to genuinely enjoy it….and my impression got also confirmed quite directly….and additionally I was told it would be a honor to have me give a talk there about my background/story……
I’m not at all having the tools to know how to deal with that XD so all I did was reacting, embarrassed/shyly 😮
And after ruminating about it for the last night…it seems I really have trouble to let go of my own self hatred….it was so common for me to have things to bash myself for….to think I have no competence etc. that it is just weird if even my own mind is incapable of finding huge flaws and actually confirms the positive that’s being said to me or that I perceive….If people like my game(s)….and I see them enjoy them…and people might like me or are interested in me…I hope I can accept it one day, but I definitely feel like things are changing already for a while now…

I really want to make this work….


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