feeling that “itch” again

I took some time off and played alot of Ark survival evolved on a roleplay server. For some reason that game hooks me from time to time really hard, but it also seems to burn me out in a pretty harsh way.
So now, I reached that point again, that I feel just aimless and as if nothing I do has any purpose or meaning….maybe it’s also my depression speaking, who knows. But for some reason I’m slowly tipping my toes into the game development again.

I don’t know why exactly or what exactly is drawing me back to it again and again, but it does and I feel weird about it.
Currently I’m still struggling with wanting to get into it, but still feeling energy less or being afraid of all that I had learned being forgotten by now and that I need to restart all over again (yeah it’s a silly thought *smiles awkwardly*). And I’m also pondering, since I changed to a new Pc, if I should go through the effort and get my old files back to this Pc and continue on what little I have or if I should start completely new on any of the projects I have running. Does it even make sense to start new? or will it make me feel exactly like what I’m afraid of….that it feels like starting all over again.
On the other hand I might just get a better entrance back into it, without being overwhelmed by stuff I actually might have forgotten…does it even matter?

*sighs* I feel pretty dark at the moment. All the stress with motherhood and feeling like I’m dragged down by my depression, feels just bad. And everything that I enjoyed for weeks now, having guiltyfree and good fun, suddenly feels like nothing….it’s like your favourite icecream suddenly tastes like paper…stale paper.

I hope I can get myself out of that hole….maybe writing here is a good first step…nothing big, just some words and thoughts…


4 thoughts on “feeling that “itch” again

  1. It’s really strange that you write that with Ark… it’s EXACTLY what I’m feeling too. o.O It’s an awesome game, I’ve spent some of the most enjoyable time there, running a server for a few friends. Now I even changed to the new Scorched Earth map to try that out and it’s a lot of fun. Still… it’s somehow exhausting. I don’t really know why, and it’s definitely not getting eaten by critters (not when you managed to survive in Wurm for years xD) It’s not like something frustrating happened in game at all… it just feels draining…

    Anyway… I don’t think I’m in the position to give you any advise if you should start from scratch or try and get your old project back – but I don’t think you have to worry either way. You don’t forget something you have already done. At least not completely. Maybe you have to dip into all the knowledge again, but only to remember it.

    It’s like you played an instrument years ago… like a guitar for example. You might not remember how you have to play, but your fingers remember it and once you put up the guitar again, it all comes back. πŸ™‚

    *leaves some cookies and a cup of hot cocoa behind for maybe improving your mood*


    1. hehe thanks for the cookies and hot cocoa (coincidentially i just made some and i HAVE cookies :D) other than that. I completely burned out from ark XD and in general seem to have fallen into a deep hole after weeks of severe sleep deprivation etc. just slowly I’m crawling back up again o_o.
      And somehow I have made the decision that I will probably start my business/entrepeneurship before 3 years are over (3 years would be the max paid stay-at-home-mom time)
      because I simply feel like I need to do something in the direction of making my dream come true…and it’s rather frustrating being at home all the time and not having any energy left or free peaceful and quiet time. There is always something going on, which certainly doesn’t help with creativity or game development.
      Ironically, even though I know starting with dragonlands, would be probably a bad idea business wise, but that game is currently 1st in my brain…>.> I’m thinking about it all the freaking time….meh….it’s the one game that i know would take me many years to complete, but it’s also the one game I’m standing the most behind…-.- *sighs* why do we have to have to make a living? 😦


  2. *hugs* I know what you are feeling… although I haven’t done something for my own project for weeks 😦

    *sigh* As fascinating as games can be… games tend to be too easy escape routes too sometimes. I’m trying to fight social phobia and depression atm (with what feels like zero success) and it’s pretty hard to even get the things at home done, like doing the laundry or washing the dishes… I’m probably spending too much time playing games (like Ark xD), but it’s practically the only thing that gives me the feeling I can achieve something these days.

    It’s very frustrating to not be able to do what you dreamed of… I mean, I WANT to go out and earn money and create awestrucking things, but by now it’s like “Oh, found a new job offer… but they want 2+ years of experience… won’t take me anyway…” Everything else just gets smashed without even giving a reason. “Sorry, we don’t have a job offer for you at the moment”… -.-

    If only great ideas could already earn us money… I thought about starting a buisness of my own many times, but I don’t feel like I have enough skills to get it all done on myself… like I’m bad at 3D modelling and know little about textures and I’m afraid of not being able to handle the programming, even for the smallest games… meh.

    You don’t happen to… well, want to found a company together with other people, do you? xD


    1. haha I do want to work together with people, at some point πŸ™‚ but like you I feel like I have to bring something to the table first…skills or similar to actually be of any worth (and yeah…the depression was the hole I spoke of, so I definitely know how you feel there)
      but then again….I have so many things to work out, like as example here in finland I can not do kickstarter or indiegogo, because of finnish laws, so those sites are not even offering it. So no crowdfunding from here unless I go to those very small platforms here…so there was a thought, if i would have an address in germany, I could run kickstarter from there….but then again, I have no product yet, and before dragonlands reaches a stage that I would consider worthy for kickstarter, it probably takes quite a while. (probably years)
      on the other hand, if I start a business here, I could get funding for 1-3 years (they would pay me monthly money to be able to kinda live while starting the business)
      then…also doing everything on my own is extremly hard…sure I also have full control over everything and I can proudly say:”oh I did this all on my own” but for what price? though…i can be 100% sure that Iam behind it and that I gather all the skills myself, raher than having it spread over people where I can never be sure if they stand behind my project 100%….*sigh* and then there is also the thing that I need to learn so much…


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