I took some time off and played alot of Ark survival evolved on a roleplay server. For some reason that game hooks me from time to time really hard, but it also seems to burn me out in a pretty harsh way.
So now, I reached that point again, that I feel just aimless and as if nothing I do has any purpose or meaning….maybe it’s also my depression speaking, who knows. But for some reason I’m slowly tipping my toes into the game development again.
I don’t know why exactly or what exactly is drawing me back to it again and again, but it does and I feel weird about it.
Currently I’m still struggling with wanting to get into it, but still feeling energy less or being afraid of all that I had learned being forgotten by now and that I need to restart all over again (yeah it’s a silly thought *smiles awkwardly*). And I’m also pondering, since I changed to a new Pc, if I should go through the effort and get my old files back to this Pc and continue on what little I have or if I should start completely new on any of the projects I have running. Does it even make sense to start new? or will it make me feel exactly like what I’m afraid of….that it feels like starting all over again.
On the other hand I might just get a better entrance back into it, without being overwhelmed by stuff I actually might have forgotten…does it even matter?
*sighs* I feel pretty dark at the moment. All the stress with motherhood and feeling like I’m dragged down by my depression, feels just bad. And everything that I enjoyed for weeks now, having guiltyfree and good fun, suddenly feels like nothing….it’s like your favourite icecream suddenly tastes like paper…stale paper.
I hope I can get myself out of that hole….maybe writing here is a good first step…nothing big, just some words and thoughts…