Trying to find a way

One evening I’m free from my mom duties. My brain tells me:
“don’t start, it’s not worth it, you don’t know when you can continue” It’s an annoying voice.
I was watching some videos about terrain generation, talked a bit about how creating a story/backstory for a game, could actually lead to a smaller easier managable project. Then I realize, that no matter what I choose to do, it will be always work, but I want to do it.
I crave for doing something and at the same time I fight with myself, finding energy to stay sane as mom, to find time to rest between those many times I have to work.
It feels hard and I don’t even know if I should feel guilty about it…well maybe not guilty, but I feel like I really want to do more, but I can’t. I’m already using up everything I have as far as it’s possible without going over the edge that would lead to burnout…it’s faszinating though, that I can feel where that blurry edge is. Helpful probably also, in a way.
I don’t wanna give up.
Maybe it will take still years from now on before I can properly work on these dreams, maybe I have to wait until she goes to school…maybe I will take a plunge into the unknown and get a workspace separate from home, when the mother-support runs out when my child turns 3….
I don’t know yet how and when it will be, but I know it will be happening EVENTUALLY.


It’s kind of ironic, that I feel like I’m disappointing alot of people, by not showing any progress on this endeavour of mine and that I feel kind of bad, that it looks with my current progress I’m not really going anywhere, but everyone keeps telling me to go on, to continue when I can continue, to not give up on it.

I want to. I have to.
There is no day where I’m not thinking about dragonlands…about creating, drawing, programming, new ideas etc. Every day anew I wish for more quiet time, for just some uninterrupted hours, but days would be even better. I’m not even sure if it has a treshhold on how much time I would want for it…
But that I can spend proper time on it, can find solutions for problems, can spend time on just training my skills, instead of thinking that I need to have a finished professional looking product as an outcome.
It’s nagging my mind…

Thanks for all the support there is, I’m glad that there are people who haven’t given up on me, despite what my brain wants to make me believe how crappy I am 🙂