Vacation Hangover? (no alcohol involved :P)

Slowly, after an extended period of Vacation, I feel the urge to continue working on my project again. It is shallow at the moment, because it feels like I enjoy my off time quite alot and because being a new mom is every day challenging and I just don’t know, if I will have the energy/power/motivation to ALSO do game development. It’s really hard to relax for me and it is even harder to find a way to limit working. Like, I know that I have difficulties setting limits on how much work is enough and how much work is too much. I always think I could have done more and more efficient and faster and better etc. I know, logically I can only do as much as I can and if I get burned out or exhausted or very bad mooded then it was probably too much, but it’s challenging to find that right spot when to stop.

I love programming and I love games and I love game developing. I’m not so sure, if I love my small dragon shooter project though :/ I feel like I am “supposed” to hold back, “supposed” to start small, because everything else would be insane to do or “impossible” to learn programming that way or simply it would be too much for me to start something as big as an MMORPG as a first time project.
I’m torn about that, specially after someone asked me “why? do I want to make this specific game? what am I passionate about?What makes it special?” I think those are very good questions, but I really don’t know how to answer it. I have my game document, but how am I emotionally attached to my game idea(s)? I tried to think of the reasons and the best I can come up with that in general I have a drive to create things, probably like every artist or creative minded person out there. And then it’s experience, I want to create experiences for people.
I remember as a child I dreamt of other worlds, alien planets, different lifeforms. I was faszinated by dinosaurs, later also dragons and I loved all kinds of chimeras and mythological creatures, not to mention I was watching alot of old cartoons (the last unicorn, the little mermaid, lions king, Felicitas etc.) and I loved fairytales and animes (Sailor Moon, Mila Superstar, Dragonball, Grave of the Fireflies…) and my grandmas old fairytale books, with alot of lesser known fairytales, which were so cruel, but at the same time so fantastic. I was also always faszinated by magic, inspired by it even, as some form of representation of emotions in visual form.
I tried creating stories, I tried drawing worlds or snippets of other worlds and invented aliens and all kinds of stuff and I loved it when some friends even helped me writing my stories by giving me their very own character descriptions to put into my world 🙂
So where is my drive coming from? My passion?
I think it’s not so much about this specific game world and not even specifically about game development. I think it is just the “most fitting tool” in my opinion to make people experience my kind of world. I could have also written a book (which I still might do) or I could just draw a series of pictures or a draw a comic or whatever, but they all lack a very important element for me: Exploration!

When I play games, it’s also the one thing that I love the most and it’s not only about exploring landmass or hidden secrets, but also rules, how the world functions, how do people live together? how is the fauna and how came everything to be? Maybe even how are the game mechanics? what can I do and what can I not do? I love to do that, it makes me feel alive to be able to change my surroundings, to experience it and to be part of it, to feel immersed with myself, not with a premade character that drags me through dialogues that I would never have.

So in a way, I could say I want other people to experience my mind, within an abstraction, which is called a game or MMORPG and it has to be online, because players make the worlds alive. Players help to make the world more active, even if there are NPCs running around, it’s players who can hold proper conversations, that are unpredictable and be able to become friends with each other, which in my opinion also helps with immersion.
I don’t want to make the next World of Warcraft or Elder Scrolls title, it wouldn’t be mine and it wouldn’t be true either. I want a world, a breathing living world, with it’s own quirks and attractions, which is as “believable” as ours, with myths and science, with magic and animals and well …everything 🙂
Yeah it’s ambitious…but the people who know me, know that I’m making ambitious plans alot and that I’m actually sticking to them. I like the challenge to prove myself and I like to grow and find out about myself.
Like now almost 2 years ago, I decided to move into another country, which I didn’t know much about and it’s just now that I actually registered for a language course; And I got a child, which is now around 8 months old; And finished my studies last year; And married in the same year (yeah quite alot happened) and additionally, I decided to start writing this blog and making games.
And made a website for a project, within a game and working on that project also XD
I think I’m doing alot, without sometimes realizing it…and then I’m wondering why I’m lacking the energy to do something creative.
Well, I hope with this post I’m slowly getting back on track again, I really want to get past my small game and make the “actual” game. It itches me 😮

oh and just to round this up, another motivation Video 🙂