Finally, I got my daughter to sleep. It was really a struggle today, since she suddenly got aware of it that I could be “away” from her, creating separation anxiety.
So even though she wants to sleep, because of tiredness, she clings to me until the last moment when her eyes are just falling involuntarily. Which of course also means, that I’m not getting as much sleep as I would like to and it resulted in me, taking the weekend off from developing, so I could hopefully find some time to rest.
It didn’t work out so well and I just got anxious about not doing anything, not writing anything in my blog and in general not feeling like enjoying any games, which would be my “usual” way of relaxing.
It’s very frustrating for me, that I now look at those games and more than ever before I’m seeing all those flaws…all those things I would like to do different and most of all, how much more gratification I’m getting from developing, than a game could ever give me.
So now, I’m sitting infront of my screen, have opened my project and I have no idea, how I wanted to tackle my next step, about toggling spells with my action bar. I had an idea about how to make a better character and camera movement with help of an empty gameobject, so I could stop using the unity in build first person controller … but I have no idea anymore what exactly that idea looked in my head, which way I thought I could maybe code it and why I thought it would have been so simple “solution”.
I don’t even know how much time I have until she wakes up again O.o
Or if the “taking time off” is actually the reason of why this happened now. I doubt it, it’s more likely I just did not sleep well enough and my head just got “out of it”, but I’m sure, if I would just watch some programming videos or read through the code I had written before, it would come back to me.
And I think, best thing I can do currently, to stop the anxiety in me, is deleting the empty gameobjects I made in unity, just discarding them, because it has no use to me, if I don’t remember how I wanted to use them. It just makes me feel bad, about not being able to remember, even if there is maybe a completely different solution for it, that I simply can not see at the moment, because I’m so fixated of doing it the old way.
I have experienced something similar before, when i was writing stories or drawing pictures, that there is a point, when you stop in the middle of a project and don’t touch it for too long time, that you think you never could possibly finish it, because you are just not in the same mood anymore as you where when you started it and that the result that would come out of it NOW would definitely not be what your “past self” would have wanted.
I’m gonna have to tell myself: “It’s a lie!” My past self and my now self, both want to have the image finished, even if it doesn’t turn out as I first thought it would be, but as long as I don’t have it finished I’m always gonna look back at it and be “sad” about a missed opportunity, about a not finished project and can tell myself how “great” it would have been, if I would have just finished it.
This is not only twisting my perception on myself away from the reality, it’s also demotivating me to start anything new, because I think I need to finish it right NOW or I will never finish it.
Did you ever notice how children tend to build up towers with wooden blocks or lego or whatever and then destroy them? Just to build something new and usually better? yes, that’s EXACTLY what I need to do now. Discard.
No, I don’t need to throw away my whole project, it’s enough to just discard, what is hindering me of progressing further (since I’m an adult I can logically assess my situation and adapt, atleast I hope so 😛 ).