I really didn’t want to write too much negative emotions, feelings, thoughts into this Blog. I thought, if i keep those things mostly out of it, that I keep it interesting for other people to read, instead of turning into an annoying “complainfest” of some sorts, where it seems that I don’t get anything done, because of how I feel.
But I just can’t keep it out of here, because it makes me anxious to think that I’m wasting time, wasting opportunity to write in here, that every day I’m not writing in to my blog I feel like a failure. It sounds silly and stupid, even to myself, but I just can’t help it. All my life I felt, like I will never be good enough, that no matter what I do, I’m either too old or too young, too unexperienced or too naive, too big of a dreamer or too depressed.
With this Blog I wanted to change that, I still do, wanting to proof myself that I am allowed to make mistakes, that I am allowed to take a break sometimes, that I am allowed to sometimes feel bad and sometimes feeling like exploding out of excitement that I did something. I want to learn how to recognize small achievements and acknowledge them for what they are, acknowledge my own work, something that other people in my life never did for me. Some kind of support that seemed to be always missing, I need to create it myself…out of nothing.
I am a bit bitter regarding that, I wished I would have had an unproblematic childhood, I wished I would have known how to find the right people to support me and not bash me down. I wished I would have put more effort into learning things. But all of that, I can not change it and without those things happening I certainly wouldn’t be where I am now.
Having my first child, having a loving and supporting husband, having a new family in general, mending bonds with my old family. I wouldn’t live in finnland now (which seems to be a big hub for games nowadays XD) and i certainly wouldn’t have the time to actually make games. (Even though, I could argue that by saying that caring for a baby is work! alot of work and I would have never been able to imagine beforehand how much work it is, mostly because you can’t plan anything)
I’m sorry, for yet another “ranting” post and I hope I won’t need to do this all too often, but that it atleast helps me to get out of the anxiety of not having written a blog post in a few days.
Maybe now, I can go back to development with a free and relaxed mind.
oh wow…I’m really not alone with this one, there are so many videos out there, which are showing other indie developers reality and videos about motivation and “what failure really means”