Overcoming Anxiety and how I want to do things different

Hah! There it is again, for hours I’m thinking that I should just pick up the pencil and draw something. Whatever exactly it is, just something, to have something done, to feel like I have accomplished something, to feel better about myself, but then I get to the part of picking up the pen and my sketchbook, opening my reference folders and then…heavy anxiety strikes me. I don’t even know exactly what I’m so afraid of, that it’s paralyzing me in my steps. Maybe I’m setting my expectations too high, maybe I’m afraid that yesterday i did a good sketch and today I can’t continue that…or maybe I’m afraid I’m ruining the sketch from yesterday, because honestly, thats what I would like to do. I would like to just start sketching over ideas on that sketch, draw in scales, thinks about how the anatomy would need to be changed to turn it into a dragon, draw in horns, draw different head shapes, to get an idea of what I actually want as a dragon. Make some sketches with colors, see how far or close I actually want to stay to that “typical western fire breathing red dragon” or if I want something new. And then on top of all of that I feel like I should make sure that the dragon looks good from it’s back, because that will be main thing the player is seeing in that dragon shooting game. Theoretically I wouldn’t even need to build a whole dragon, just part of the wings, head and neck. As far as I have planned the game to be.
But I don’t like the idea of just building half a dragon.

So…when the anxiety stroke me, I suddenly started sorting my reference folders, because so far I just had a “dragonlands” folder, where everything went in, from game graphics, pictures of real rats, dinosaurs, anatomical examples of anthros, dragons and androgyn humans. Example of spells, clothes and architecture. Just about everything I think is somehow related to how I want dragonlands to be. So I cleaned it up…and then I started feeling bad that i did that even though I wanted to draw.

Screw you, brain!

I really don’t know how to deal with those things. I’m trying to get better at everything, but sometimes it just feels like too much. Heck, even thinking about it, that I don’t know when I will have accumulated enough experience to start an RTS/RPG/MMO. Who is making that treshold? How to know?
I hope to find answers to those questions on my journey. I knew it wouldn’t be easy to “just” start a blog, to “just” start making games, but I chose this path, because it’s my dream, because I want to do it and because I think it’s fullfilling me. I think, I still have a long way ahead of me.

I hope it’s not too confusing for anyone who is reading my blogs. Sometimes I’m writing blog entries while I’m working, so that I don’t have a huge bunch of stuff I have to write down in the evening, when I most likely would also forget some things that I wanted to talk about.
As example now, I actually managed to take that pencil into my hand again, turned on some music, pulled out my references and started sketching some dragon and dinosaur heads. I bluntly just copied them, trying to see patterns in how they are build, from headshape to scales, over different kinds of eyes, where are the eyes set in their heads?, where are horns attached, what purpose have some features? Like shells and spikes for defense or are some meant for offense etc. I’m having alot of thoughts going through my head while drawing, which then accumulates and creates a picture in my head of things I like.
And since I kept in the background of my head, that I want the dragon to look good from it’s backside, I tried to find some elements I can include that somehow make sense and are easy recognizable from a back view.
Then I’m also thinking, how friendly or evil do I want the dragon to look like? I think in this context it would actually make sense to NOT make the dragon evil, but instead go for a more humerous variant, so I can keep the model simple and make it easier for the player to relate to it. Since it’s NOT the enemy this time, the player should not hate the dragon in the best case XD
Maybe I could go for a dragon that has features of a bird like creature, to get a bit away from the normal western dragon and it also makes it easier to relate why it is hoarding gold underneath (like a crow). I could lean the whole concept into that, but then again, I wanted to have the game play in a cave with lot’s of entrances, I would need to find a good reason for that and why a bird like dragon would live in a cave.

So many questions 🙂 And yeah I like to just roll those thoughts through my head, because I’m interested in making my ideas in a way that they make sense. I don’t want to just go and say “here! That weird crazy thing there does not make sense? Oh well….because of MAGICX!” thats sometimes the feeling I get from alot of games to be honest. So I definitely don’t want to do that.

*note: those are mainly sketches from references I have collected, I do not own the original pictures


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